If Sulking Ben Affleck is boozin’ again, who can blame him! Marriage to Bronx ball-breaker Jennifer Lopez would drive me to drink – and, says KENNEDY, her addiction is far worse…

Word from the Bronx is that former boozer Ben Affleck might be back on the sauce, as his storybook romance with Jenny from the Block reaches its dark final chapter.

But things were going so well!!

Remember when Jennifer of Arc appeared to order sulky Boston Ben to ‘Look more friendly. Look motivated,’ as he sat glowering at the Grammy’s last year.

Nothing like a public tongue lashing to rev those love engines.

Now, sadly, Daily Mail’s Alison Boshoff reports that divorce is ‘imminent’, leaving friends concerned Bloated Ben could be ‘drinking again.’

If it’s true, could you blame the poor schlub?

Truth is, I’d also drain the bottle to the last drop if I were married to such an attention-starved diva.

J.Lo’s apparent panic over fading fame recently led her to misguidedly release an album ‘This is Me… Now’ (don’t care), a musical film ‘This is Me… Now: A Love Story’ (hated it) and the cherry on top of this TMI-sundae, a public colonoscopy – I mean documentary – nauseatingly titled ‘The Greatest Love Story Never Told’.

In one scene of the hagiography, Affleck is surprised to learn that his wife shared all their private correspondence… with her friends!

Is it any shock that Ben, his innards splayed, his life reluctantly drawn and quartered for clicks and ticket sales – (How’s that stadium tour going, Jen? Too soon?) – is in crisis?

All this mediocre Masshole ever wanted was to watch his Red Sox and eat his Jack in the Box in peace. But nooo… Commander Lopez wanted motivation!

In fact, such is her obsession with hard work, working out, her looks and his, that Lopez has reportedly been ‘getting Ben to wear foundation again’, his manhood be damned.

Adding insult to injury, Lopez’s mommy matchmaker, Guadalupe Rodriguez – who reportedly pushed her daughter to get back with the one who got away – has reportedly ‘turned against’ Affleck.

Ball-breaking must run in the family.

So, what’s next for JLo? She always has a plan.

Maybe she’ll like a few IG posts of loves past. Or hit-up her B-list phone book.

Some friends are even wildly predicting she’ll quickly rebound to former fiancé Alex Rodriguez, who allegedly cheated on her in 2021.

For a supposedly smart woman (‘She is a very smart cookie,’ a pal told the Mail), that seems like an incredibly stupid move.

‘I don’t think the cheating is a dealbreaker for her anymore. I think she won’t announce the split until she has someone else lined up in any case,’ an insider said.

Ben once said of his drink addiction: ‘You do more of it to make that discomfort go away. Then the real pain starts. It becomes a vicious cycle you can’t break.’

I hope he now gets the help he may need.

As for JLo’s addiction, there’s no 12-step program for that.

Fame is a helluva drug.

Will Joe blow it? 

President Shuffles brought his wayward son in for a good sniff on the tarmac Tuesday after a Delaware jury found The Great Hooker Hunter guilty of three felony gun charges.

No doubt Joe is devastated that this spawn may soon be sharing a cell with his 2024 opponent. (Visiting day is going to be awkward!)

But he’s got to be truly terrified that the Biden Crime Family’s decades of grifting is about to be exposed. Hunter’s second trial, for failure to pay $1.4 million in taxes on profits raked in from foreign creeps, is due to kick off in September.

That’s two months before the election. Joe better keep this wild child on a short leash.

Speaking of felons… 

Donald Trump sure isn’t taking any votes for granted.

‘I think [Taylor Swift is] beautiful – very beautiful,’ number 45 hungrily mused to an interviewer, according to a new book.

Who knows? This anti-hero has as many convictions as TayTay has years on Earth, so that’s a start.

But soon-to-be Mrs. Kelce backed Joey Biden in 2020.

‘She is liberal or is that just an act?’ Trump reportedly asked.

It’s better this way, Don. She’ll only break your heart and then write about it.

Big girls don’t cry 

Super-sized pepper-pot Ashley Graham boohooed in a new interview about the struggles of growing up hot and thicc.

As a kid, she said, she saw a skinny blonde bombshell at Target and thought to herself, ‘I want to be that!’

If only little Ashley knew the starving woman was thinking, ‘I want to eat some ribs!’

Honestly, what is Golden Grahams whimpering about? She’s a millionaire covergirl with a BMI higher than most fans’ IQ’s.

Cannonballs! 

Procreation proselytizer Nick Cannon may already have 12 kids (by six different mamas), but this prolific baby-pitcher isn’t ready to hang up his cleats.

He’s insured his ballbag for $10 million to ensure ‘his family tree’ keeps ‘rolling!’

Nick, that’s not a tree. You’ve sowed a jungle.

I’ll (kinda) be there for you… 

Jennifer Aniston choked up when she was asked to reflect on the upcoming 30th anniversary of Friends.

‘What’s it like to watch [the show] now?’ a Variety magazine interviewer asked, referring to the recent overdose death of Jen’s co-star Matthew Perry.

Throwing her head back and dabbing her feline-tight eyes, Aniston did her best Meryl Streep. ‘They’re happy tears,’ she sobbed.

Makes you wonder, if the Friends cast had acted with such urgent human emotion while Perry was alive, perhaps we would have gotten a happier ending.

Reds Scare

One rowdy Reds fan got the ol’ Cincinnati surprise when he sprinted on the field Tuesday night, eluding police like a ghostly Usain Bolt and then flawlessly backflipping, like another great Olympian, Simone Biles.

The stunt earned raucous applause from the bored Cincy crowd, who were watching their team lose.

But when a crabby cop let loose on the trespasser with a taser, leaving him in a heap on the field, the acrobatic sprinter in the Johnny Bench jersey got an even bigger roar for not sticking the landing.

Clooney’s Crank Call

Loony George Clooney reportedly seethed on the phone to a senior White House aide after Commander Slurs-a-lot dissed his wife.

Following Amal Clooney’s announcement that she helped advise International Criminal Court prosecutors to seek an arrest warrant for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Biden called the move ‘outrageous’ and floated sanctions for the ICC.

Just imagine the cocktail conversation when Clooney hosts a glitzy, celeb-packed LA fundraiser for Joe later this month.

Joe: ‘I loved you in E.R.’

George: ‘Free Palestine!’